That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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