Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
