I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
