At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
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But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
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I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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