made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
