My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
