I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
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ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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