Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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