I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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