I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm having to shit out rocks
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