She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
