So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
