he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
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I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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