Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
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there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
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Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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