im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You ruined the universe
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
