hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
