theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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