I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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