Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
