He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
