Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
