I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
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I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
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I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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