Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
