Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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