you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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