I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
