There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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