It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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