I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
