why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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