My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
