Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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