That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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