I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
