glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I could make wine with my vomit
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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