i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
