Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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