My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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