I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Randomize
