oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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