You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
