She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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