he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
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Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
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I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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