Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
