why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
