Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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