He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
