Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
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He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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