i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
