it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
