I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
