i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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