K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
