talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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