Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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