$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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